Starting School for the First Time…

is busy.

And stressful.

And tiring.

And hard.

And sad…

I didn’t quite anticipate how much I would miss Monica during the day. How much I would think about her minute to minute. Is she sad? Did she fall down today? Does she have friends? Is she answering questions? Does her teacher know how funny she is? How special she is? Really, truly know?

I knew I would be sad. I knew it would be different. I knew her absence would become a new normal for us.

But, I’m just not there yet.

A lot of good, loving people have tried to comfort me: “It’s ok! It’ll get easier with time. I’m sure she’s doing great. Just think of how much you can enjoy being with your other kids!” And I know all those things are true.

But right now, it’s like I’m in the middle of a sickness, or cold or something. I don’t think anyone with the flu has ever been comforted in the moment by being reminded, “Don’t worry! I know you feel bad now, but it’ll get better someday!”

I’m still in the commiserating stage. The, Wow, yeah…that sucks. Or, hmmm, I’m sorry that hurts so bad right now, want some chocolate? stage (by the way, the answer to that last question is yes. Always yes).

And part of me doesn’t want to feel better, ya know? Like somehow I will love her less if I stop missing her so much.

Don’t worry. I know that’s not true. I know it.

I just don’t feel it

…for now.

Because I know I will feel better. I know the good and the beautiful and the wonderful will quickly catch up to all these dark, tired feelings. Mo is reading! She talks kindly about her classmates! She says “the whole shebang” because her art teacher does! She beams and brims when I pick her up, and just fills my heart and my home in the evening. And I hug her, and love her, and tell her I’m so proud of her…

And those moments, the hours we do have to play and talk and love, I soak them up. Because I know that for most of the day tomorrow, she’ll be beaming and brimming for someone who is not me… in a place that is not my home.

And I will miss her.

IMG_6150There are other hard things about starting a school for the very first time, but I’ll just leave it at that for now. And, of course, add some happy and ridiculously cute photographs. Cause heavy is heavy is heavy. And life is actually, truly so good.2015-10-18_005806191_25A86_iOS 2015-10-08_135237770_884FE_iOS IMG_6076 2015-10-20_233429100_51454_iOS DSC_7433 2015-10-20_182553010_A4E24_iOS DSC_8252 2015-10-06_183327033_9CB6C_iOS

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3 Responses to Starting School for the First Time…

  1. Caitlin says:

    All the mama feels. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

  2. Margaret says:

    Hard is hard is hard. Truth.
    I had it bad when E started school, and it was hard on the sibs too. I cried and cried, but privately bc the girls needed to know she was safe and this was Good.
    An end of an era. Grieving. Yes – there’s something there to grieve.
    There are too many end of an era events for moms. They are all hard. And plenteous over a lifetime.
    Yet for each one, I remind myself that the reverse dis-ability would be worse.
    It’s still hard.
    I ache for you.
    And for me right now as I remember all the permanent changes from when they were wee.
    A mom’s heart sending virtual hugs (and chocolate!) to another mom’s heart.

  3. Jessie says:

    Do you want some chocolate?

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