First Day and Forgiveness

DSC_4110Oh my Love Bug. Another first day of school!

Remember last year?

I was a mess.

I was this year too, but for different reasons.

DSC_4133Corey recently introduced me to the gem of a movie Tucker and Darrel vs Evil, and as Alan Tudyk’s character, Tucker, would say, “Officer, we’ve had doozy of a day.”

Except, change that to week.

But that’s a different post.

DSC_4146This is about you, my brave, beautiful 4 year old.

Last night, I was frantically searching stores for a new backpack (procrastination much?), and there was only one backpack left. Tinkerbell. Not princess. Not the one you wanted. Not the one you had been asking for since your birthday.

I failed.

I drove home at 10pm, mentally berating myself for not shopping earlier, for not preparing a special breakfast, extra special snack, nor having actually read everything you needed to turn in on the first day. I spent more time last night finishing up Creighton stuff than preparing you for school the next day, and I’m pretty sure I yelled at you before you went to bed, threatening something ridiculous like, “If you ask about your backpack one more time, you don’t get a backpack!” (because that’s a punishment I can follow through on…not).

After returning with your backpack, I fell into bed, spent about 30 seconds thinking about all the first day of school cuteness I saw on Pinterest and facebook, and went to sleep feeling like the worst mother on the planet (and angry at your Daddy, because I was a hot mess… I make sense like that).

This morning, I woke up early, said a loving goodbye to your dad before he made the trek up to Tacoma (because sleep cures passive-agressiveness), and thought about you. How you’ve grown and changed so much in the last year.DSC_2454

You woke up and asked with giant, innocent eyes, “Where’s my backpack Mommy?”. You ran to the couch to pick it up with reverent, soft hands, and before I could even start to apologize that it wasn’t pink or princess-y, you leapt from the couch to tackle me with a giant hug, “Thank you Mommy! Thank you so much! I love it! I love you!”

And I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Tension, I hadn’t noticed, released from my shoulders. That’s the power of love. The power of forgiveness. Especially forgiveness freely given.

I didn’t know it, and you certainly couldn’t have, but I needed your love, your forgiveness at that moment.

My insecurities about being a mom bubble right up to the surface when life gets crazy. It’s easy to forget that more than pancakes, more than princesses, more than preschool… you love me.

Thanks for the reminder, Love Bug.

I love you too.

-Mommy

DSC_4123Lulu doesn’t go to preschool yet, but that sure wasn’t going to stop her from trying… backpack, binki and all.

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4 Responses to First Day and Forgiveness

  1. This is so beautiful and very, very true! I adore their unconditional love!

  2. Chantal Krumbein says:

    Beautifully written and expressed in a way only a mother can. Made me tear up and really feel my own mothering frustrations and failures and love from my kids even when I’m mad. Thank you for your words and your realness.

    Sent from Chantal Krumbein

    >

  3. Cried when I read this. Lulu looks EXACTLY like Rachel at that age…at least with her binky.

    Cried because of a lot of reasons… but I’m glad “Love “Bug” liked her backpack. What a merchandise marked profit making deal! For one nickel we toted clear, thick, plastic book bags til the plastic got so worn and scratched you could barely see through it…then, maybe you got a new one. Ahhhh the joys of a new book bag…

  4. Joanne Kibbe says:

    I may have cried a little bit reading this post!

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