There’s a reason we keep coming back to this place, year after year after year after year after year.

Wow! That was a little bit of time travel…

We’ve been there in the rain and sun and shade and every PNW Spring weather you can imagine, and this place never disappoints.

However, the more kids we add, the harder it is to get a nice group shot.

Speaking of adding kids! Here’s a shot that Mo took with my fancy camera.

That right there is a 17 week old baby bump! The next Baby Elder will be joining us at the end of September of this year.

I’ve gone back and forth on how to announce this baby. Because he or she is actually Baby #5. But from outside observation, this one (God willing) will be our fourth visible kiddo. This is hard for me to explain to people.

Strangers, it doesn’t matter. Since I have more than two the only comment I hear is, “Wow! You’ve got your hands full!” To which I try to respond, “Yes, but you should see my heart.” That seems to be the perfect mix of off-putting and sweet, usually eliciting a smile or two. So whether a stranger knows that I actually have 5 kids matters little.

It’s in conversation with you people that I have the hardest time articulating the role of this baby. It is the people who love me the very most, who draw me into the biggest state of confusion. Because, for me, for our family, Baby #4 will forever be Lucas.

This was made so very apparent to me a couple weeks ago when I said, “Mo! Wouldn’t it be neat if this baby was a boy? Then we could have 2 girls and 2 boys!” (The scientist in me craves that kind of symmetry).

“Mama,” she replied very seriously, “You already have 2 boys. Remember? Lucas?”

Of course I remember. Of course.

And so does she.

And maybe that’s what I’m most worried about. That in the excitement and rush and energy that surrounds this baby, my fourth Little One will be forgotten. I immediately feel silly even writing that, because how? How could that happen? How could a mother forget her child?

I can’t. And I won’t. One of my most sacred Mom jobs is preserving the his memory, and one of my greatest Mom privileges is seeking his intercession.

Then, I guess this is the bottom line and the peace I’ve found: it’s ok if you do forgot. It’s ok if you refer to this pregnancy as my 4th baby. It’s ok once s/he is born if you do a head count and make a joke about 4 kids. I know you love me, love us…love Lucas.

But if you see a flicker in my smile, know it’s because I’m thinking of my fourth Baby, my Lucas. And in that way, because of his little sibling, he will be often remembered and never forgotten.

…

Whoa, that went a direction I wasn’t expecting, but that I apparently needed. Back to adorable pictures of the tulip fields.

And pictures that show my Monica suddenly seeming very grown up…

Four years difference. She’s a completely different person, and still so very much the same…